Meandering Musings

The Privilege of Health

2011-02-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

Today's lunch was a little bit of (successful) experimentation. The brussels sprouts were looking extra yummy at the grocery store this weekend so I grabbed a box for something new. (I should also mention I was in a little bit of a food rut the past week and needed to find some new ingredients to incorporate into my weekly meals -- maybe I'll post about food ruts later.)

Anyway, Mondays is one of the few days I am home for lunch and I decided to make a substantial meal of roasted brussels sprouts, sauted chicken and baby portabella mushrooms in olive oil and garlic. Also, a yummy piece of 5-grain Italian toast on the side. As I was sitting down to enjoy my super-yummy and healthy meal, it occurred to me that I was so blessed and privileged to be able to eat healthy. Often I have felt that it is obedience to the Lord to take care of your body, and to eat what is good for you (which this of course is true) but it never really crossed my mind that there are so many people (primarily in other third-world countries) who do not have the choice of what they eat. It disgusts me that so many Americans would choose to eat McDonald's every day for breakfast followed take-out Chinese for lunch, and a TV dinner at night, knowing full well that they are incurring years of health problems to come. But I can't feel this way about those who live on beans and rice because that is all they have. I am so fortunate to actually go to the grocery store and choose new and exciting foods when I get into a "food-rut" as opposed to worrying if I will even get another meal that day.

Anyway, all this to say, that eating healthy is not just a lifestyle choice we make, but it is a privilege that the Lord has given to us in more fortunate circumstances and we should make haste to enjoy His blessing! I am thankful to have a new perspective on why I eat the way I do - not just for selfish gain but to honor and glorify God as well as to thank Him for providing me the opportunity to be healthy.

A Favorite Meal

2011-02-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

One thing that I cannot stand is eating the same thing every day. Some people can do this, but I cannot. Inevitably, that means that by the end of the week (or sometimes the middle like now) I start craving things I don't have and really don't want to eat what I do have on hand. This presents a difficult situation for trying to eat healthy. If you eat what you do have, you are less likely to feel satisfied because it is not what you really wanted. But running to the nearest fast food joint is not always the healthiest choice either.

Enter: precious stock foods.

By this I mean, having a certain selection of foods that are easy to keep on hand but that you don't use all the time. For me: It's black beans and rice. I use the GOYA black beans which have a great recipe on the back that I mostly follow: Saute onions, peppers, and garlic in olive oil then add beans and water and seasonings and simmer. Top over some rice and viola! you have a healthy, veggie-filled, protein-packed meal. And because I usually only make this every couple months it is something I don't get sick of and look forward to having. Also, I know when I make it to refill those items on the grocery list so I always have them. (I also consider onions, garlic, and peppers stock items too for veggies and such since I can use them in virtually any meal).

Does anyone else have favorite stock foods they keep to throw together healthy meals? I could always use some new ideas!

10 Easy Changes for a Healthy Lifestyle

2011-02-02T00:59:00.000-05:00

It has been a crazy couple of weeks starting my Junior year of college and attempting to regain a consistent workout routine. I can't believe it is already February! I have in mind to do a top ten healthy changes for 2011. (Or maybe I should do 11!) And even though the New Years resolutions season has somewhat passed, perhaps this will serve as a motivator or reminder of what you promised 31 days ago.

Here are, what I would say, the most basic and necessary health changes to make to begin the process of creating a healthy lifestyle. This is geared toward someone who is not living healthy right now but wants to make changes without a drastic over-hall of their life. So, these shouldn't be too daunting, and I am trying to keep them relatively simple. Also, in order to see noticeable results, I am trying to pick the "biggies" in health issues.

So here we go:

1. Stop drinking soda. This is probably the worst of them all. It is not just empty calories like fast-food, but it doesn't even leave you full or satisfied and so you are probably consuming MORE empty calories with it! It is literally sugar and water. Now, I am not saying that you can never have a drop again. But please, do not drink everyday!!!

2. Drink green tea. Whether it is hot or iced, this is a great source of hydration (without the bland taste of water) and antioxidants and natural caffeine. Just be careful if you are buying certain brand names because they may have the sugar equivalence of soda. Really, make your own and sweeten with honey. (It's dirt cheap too!)

3. Start cooking. It is not a difficult task, though it can be. (If that made sense?) You can choose how difficult you want it to be is what I mean. But the point is that start cooking and stop buying and reheating! (This is fast-food, frozen dinners, canned crap, etc.) You naturally go for whole ingredients when cooking (think whole meats like fish or chicken, and whole veggies and such) and this eliminates much of the processed convenience foods.

4. Pack you lunch for school or work. Same idea as above. It will save you money and even a simple sandwich is far better that much that you would find in a cafeteria/food-strip.

5. Work out at least 3 times a week. Sure, working out everyday is best. But we are being practical here. Get in three good-quality workouts a week (and you may find yourself wanting to add in a 4th or 5th as time goes on!). By good quality I mean a run, a hike, an hour in the gym on various machines... something that takes time. The more time the better. At the end of the day, its calories in - calories out for weight loss. (Of course this does not make one "healthy" if your feeding yourself crap afterward).

6. Commit to sleeping. Honestly, you really want to mess with your body?? It's called not getting enough sleep. This has all sorts of bad side effects that affect your diet, your healthy, your energy levels... pretty much all of the above areas!

7. Don't eat dessert after every dinner. I find it strange how many people think that dessert is supposed to come after every dinner. Like dinner isn't complete without it. Hello!!! You just had a huge meal and now you're going to eat a sugary, calorific snack??!?! Desserts are great, I love them and I love to bake. But keep these to a once in a while thing. You don't deserve dessert just because you ate dinner. (This one just really bothers me.)

8. Don't eat your largest meal at dinner. Try to make your largest meal lunch or break it up into two meals. Like first lunch and second lunch. Then eat a more "lunch-sized" dinner. Sleeping doesn't burn that many calories hate to say it. So eat your biggest meal when you are burning your max amount of calories.

9. Don't skip breakfast. This is an age-old adage. There are thousands of reasons people tell you not to do this. But think of it as a source for your energy for the day. Think of it like tying your shoes before you go for a walk, or taking off your clothes before you shower. It is just something you have to do.

10. Change your view of food. See food as tangible energy. See food as a necessary part of life. See food as beneficial (not fattening, horrid, beach-body killers). When you do this, you will suddenly realize what is actually good food, and what it imitation. It's kinda hard not to see a donut as a beach-body killer! But you don't have to look at all food that way. Find foods that help you. Make it your goal to think about food this way, and you will be attracted to the foods that are good for you.

That's all for tonight!

Starting up the Workouts...

2011-01-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

Well, running buddy had some extended holiday dealings and relatives still in town so we didn't get to run that morning. But I was not gonna just sit on my bottom, so I went to the gym with my dad. I did 25 mins of hills on the elliptical, then some arm and ab workouts. I have to say, the feeling you get for the rest of the day after working out in the morning is incredible and addicting. It gets me out of bed some days. :) I went again to the gym Monday morning, but my plans to do 45 mins of cardio on the elliptical got stifled from the early morning nausea I get when I try to workout without having eaten anything. I made about 20 mins of weak cardio, then moved on to arms and abs. By the end of the workout I was feeling better, so I got back on the elliptical and did 25 mins of hills. Needless to say, my legs were a bit tired the rest of the day.

This morning running buddy and I were able to finally get out there, and we hated every minute of it. But, we did it! We ran 2 miles this morning, and I about died. My legs felt okay from all the hill workouts I have been doing, but my cardio is not too great right now. It's okay though, the worst days are over and it is only up from here. :) Though I am a little frightened about my 5k in February, the thought of having to do 3 miles fast is daunting at the moment, it is motivating me to get out there.

So, on to the next day. I will blog about my New Orleans trip soon, when I finally upload the pictures. :)

A little slacking...

2010-12-30T23:42:00.001-05:00

Well, it has been a long and relaxing Christmas season (at least the end of it when I was on vacation!). However, healthy eating was not exactly my priority. I spent Christmas in New Orleans and I am sad to say that I never even intended on eating healthy there!!! oops. But I go there once a year, and the food is to die for. So now back to the grind!!!

I have decided to replace my normal French Vanilla Yogurt with Plain Organic Greek Yogurt (yuck!). The difference between 33g of sugar and 9g of sugar. However, I do sweeten it up a bit with honey which of course adds to the sugar content, it is just a healthier sugar form. :)

This will be a short post as I am beginning my running extravaganza tomorrow with running buddy Heather and need to sleep. However, I will blog about my New Orleans trip (and all the fantastic food) soon as well as my plan for starting up running again soon.

I want to start implementing one (or more) Healthy choice a week. This week, I am switching from regular yogurt to greek yogurt (see above). Also, I am going to have TAZO Awake Tea in the mornings instead of coffee (which I was a little excessive about in NOLA). So, two healthy choices this week, I guess to make up a little for last week.

What is your healthy choice this week?

Exercise, Speed Bumps, and a Positive Thought

2010-12-13T10:05:00.001-05:00

This morning and last night I did two mini-workouts. Both which tired me out. (Typing is a bit hard because my arms are still shaky). But the thing is, I did it. Happily :)

In high school I was an avid athlete. Cross-Country, Soccer, and Track and Field were the names of my games. I was extremely competitive, and worked harder than I ever had 6 days a week. Then came college. Late nights of studying made it hard to get up and run, and while training for my first half-marathon I injured my knee (doctor's couldn't figure it out after countless MRIs and told me to just take a break). So I did. But after that, even though my knee was better, it was just so hard to get into running again. I went from running 7 miles with ease to barely being able to finish 2. That is demoralizing. After months of no exercise, I broke my foot. Which put me on crutches and a couch for almost 3 months. Losing my ability to walk and skip and jump and dance... and all the other things people do on their feet made me realize how much I missed being active. (I guess it's a case of you want what you can have).

So, I am determined to start running again. I plan to start in January (giving my foot further healing time) but in the meantime I will start doing spin classes and elliptical training to get my cardio back up without putting too much weight on my foot too soon. I am also doing some small weight training (my mini home workouts) to make sure my body is prepared to start running again. I would like to run the Gasparilla 5k on February 27th (and post a "decent" time). This is foot allowing of course.

Speed Bumps, what I call exercise interrupters, can come in many forms. I have experienced speed bumps due to both injury and just lack of desire. But starting small is the key to getting back into it. And not just starting small, but doing something you enjoy!!! If you hate running, don't do it. You won't anyway. Do something you love whether you are a gym rat, a runner, biker, a dancer, hiker. Even if it is just walking each morning or evening. The euphoric post-workout feeling is what keeps me going. And sometimes I just do a small workout to get a taste of it which keeps me coming back for more. It's like what I said about food. The more you exercise the more you will want to.

On the food topic, this morning my healthy breakfast was a bowl of vanilla yogurt with strawberries and blueberries and the YUMMY!!! Bear Naked vanilla almond church Fit Granola. I love that stuff!!! I also love the commentary on the back of the bag. This one says, "So now you have a choice - to spend your time counting calories... or to spend your calories doing things that count!"

What are your ways to combat speed bumps in your exercise?

How To Pack a Healthy Lunch

2010-12-12T13:58:00.003-05:00

As promised, here are my thoughts on packing (healthy) lunches Monday-Friday. It is not as daunting as it seems, I promise. And there is more to the world than peanut butter & jelly, pretzel sticks, and strawberry yogurt. (This was my lunch every day K - 12). So first, we will tackle how to pack a lunch and then some fun lunch ideas to follow.

Tips For Packing Daily:

- If you are not a morning person, and like a streamlined routine (or like to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee till you realize you have to leave in 10 minutes, like me!) then either pack completely, or do the prep-work for your lunch the night before. This is the only way to ensure that you will leave with a substantial lunch in hand and not give into running through a drive through again lest you be late.

- Find a great lunchbox. By great I mean, one you love (important if you are going to be seen carrying it), one with enough room for multiple items, tupperware, water bottles, etc., and one that will provide warmth/cold when needed (i.e. not a paper bag). With this in hand, the possibilities are endless.

- Have your go-to lunch items that can provide multiple varieties of meals for the week. Mine include a good deli meat (usually turkey, but I like to mix it up every now and then), a good cheese (I like swiss), whole wheat wraps/bread (I use both), lettuce and baby greens, some fresh veggies and fruits, a healthy dip (I like hummus, but salsa is great too), and a special snack. :) With these I can create sandwiches, salads, wraps, quesadillas, sample platters (my favorite for end-of-week grocery blues), and more. Keep these stalked all week long and you will be set. Then dinner leftovers and special purchases can add the final touches.

- Prep veggies and fruits on the weekend when you shop. Wash your fruit when you unload it, or open that bag of carrots/grapes and divide it into little snack bags that make grab-and-go in the mornings easy.

Some Fun Lunch Ideas:

- My go-to is a yummy wrap packed with turkey, swiss, baby spinach, hummus, tomato, parmesean, and a little italian dressing. When I have baked or grilled chicken leftovers I use that instead of turkey, and sometimes switch it up with a chicken caesar wrap. Other wrap ideas include black bean wraps with red/green pepper and onions. Super protein!!! You won't need much other than this to be full. I cook the black beans with onion, garlic, and pepper the night before and then assemble in the morning. Can be eaten cold or heated.

- Salads. This is great for a low-carb day or alternative to a sandwich/wrap in case of boredom. Mix romaine lettuce with baby spinach or field greens, And then top with everything and anything. Sliced turkey or chicken, tomatoes, grapes, dried fruit, blueberries, apples, nuts, cheese, etc. Use a oil/vinegar based dressing for a healthier choice. And if you really struggle feeling satisfied with a salad, like I do, I add some yummy croutons to munch on and feel a little better. Just be sure to add the croutons at the last minute or they will be soggy. Also this is a great way to eat raw veggies (the best way to eat them) because they will be covered in yummy dressing and mixed with other goodies.

- What I call a sample platter. This is usually made at the end of the week, when groceries are low. It usually involves a little bit of whatever I have left fruits, veggies, meats, and cheeses assembled as exactly that - a sample platter.

- Get creative. If you buy healthy food to begin with, then you don't have to stress over trying to pack something healthy later on. Just use what you have to create something wonderful. Don't be afraid to play around with flavors. I like to add a dab of bbq sauce to my turkey sandwich for some extra flavor.

- Pack a healthy drink. Don't succumb to the soda machine. Leave dollar bills and quarters in your car for toll money. Pack a bottle of water and at least one fun drink. I like to make a pitcher of iced green tea sweetened with honey on Sunday for the week, using empty water bottles to carry it. I also mix it up with bringing juice instead, I love cranberry-pomegranate. Just make sure you try to by a "no sugar added" brand. Fruit has its own sugar already.

- Update your PB&J to a peanut butter, banana, and honey sandwich instead.

- I make it a goal to include one fruit and one veggie in each lunch somehow. Then I either have a small snack or dessert to treat myself with after, I usually keep a package of Dove Dark Chocolate on hand (which is healthy in moderation) to throw into my lunch right before I leave. So good!

What are your favorite lunches?

Thoughts on Eating Healthy

2010-12-12T00:11:00.002-05:00

Recently I have noticed how much junk food I have been eating. Somehow it seems to creep in there and then take over my whole diet. So, I have decided to make a conscious effort to incorporate healthy food into my diet everyday, and really every meal when I can. I really believe that you crave what you eat, so the when you eat junk food, the more and more you crave. But when you eat healthy food, the more and more of that you crave. I have decided share some thoughts, encouragement, advice,tips, etc. for eating healthy that have helped me in the past and that I am using now. Please leave comments of your own tips for how you try to eat healthy.

1. This is not about losing weight! Though eating healthy may cause an overweight person to lose weight, that is not the goal. The goal is to be healthier and feel healthier (aka more energy!). If you focus on losing weight and not being healthy, then you will fall into the "diet trap" which is often far from healthy. (more on this in the next point)

2. This is about a balanced diet, not cutting out the "bad things." The body needs all kinds of nutrition, you cannot cut out carbohydrates and fat and be healthy. That is a diet trap, not a healthy diet. Fruits, vegetables, carbs, fats, proteins, etc. all need to be included in your diet. Of course, limiting these can be healthy as well. Remember, this is a balanced diet.

3. Do not set the expectations to eat healthy 100% of the time. (At least not at first, or forever). This will end in failure and be very disappointing. The change of lifestyle is a lifelong thing. Focus on incorporating healthy food into your diet one meal at a time, especially if you find yourself addicted to junk food.

4. Similar to the last point, don't deprive yourself of foods you love. This will only cause a diet spiral in the wrong direction. Do you love pizza, cookies, milkshakes, potato chips, etc. Don't give them up completely. A good plan to still let yourself indulge without overdoing it is this: find ways to make the food you love healthier so you can eat it more often; plan on when you will have it so that you can make healthier choices elsewhere that day/week, and quantity control is everything!!!

5. Actively choose healthier foods each day. Try to eat at least one natural thing each day/each meal. By "natural" I mean something found in nature, that can be eaten, unprocessed by humans (unless by the necessity of cooking). Examples of natural foods: fruits and vegetables, eggs, some meats, etc. These things are good for you!!! Unnatural foods, mac'n'cheese, pizza, ice cream, hot dogs, pasta, etc. Not that these things are all bad, but the goal of adding one natural item to each meal/day will get you actively making choices to pick healthy things. This is habit building!!!

6. See your favorite genre of food as a treat. I love carbohydrates. Pizza, chips, bagels, muffins, cupcakes, i love them all. If it was healthy, I would eat these every meal. But, that's not exactly the healthiest (or most figure-conscious) choice. So, rather than viewing those things as "bad" view them as treats. If I'm really craving a bagel in the morning, I'll agree to forgo the carbs at lunch and stick with a salad. Or if I must have the pretzel from the mall at work that night, then I will stick to fruits, vegies, and protein for breakfast and lunch. Reward yourself with the foods you love.

7. Make your own food. This is HUGE! It is so so so hard to find healthy things to eat when eating out. Even salads have countless calories and fat in the dressings or baked potatoes are loaded with bacon bits, the food is cooked in pounds of butter, etc. By making your own food you control what goes in and what does not. It is incredibly easy to make healthy food at home, and not too stressful either. Start this week by packing your lunch for work. You will be amazed at how much healthier the food is(and how much money you will be saving).

8. Along with number 7, avoid the stress of ordering healthy food when there is none by making your own food when you can and eating what you really want when you do eat out. (i.e. with friends, family, thanksgiving, etc.) If you make your lunch every week and then go out on the weekends, don't feel bad ordering what you want. You've earned it.

9. Which leads me to another thought. You can enjoy food. I recently read a blog that said something along the lines of "Food is fuel" and then listed a bunch of adjectives of what it is not (like comfort, fun, etc.) I was sad to read that because of how much I LOVE food and love cooking. If it is simply fuel, then I should only eat exactly what my body needs and not worry about it. But I think food is to be enjoyed, and healthy food can be enjoyed too! So eat healthy and reward yourself with what you love! (Buffalo wings for me please).

10. Don't obsess over calories. Yes, the key to weight loss is calories in/calories out. But, to be honest, if you are exercising, your body takes care of that for you. Eat when you are hungry, eat till your full (not stuffed), and eat a balanced diet. You will be surprised at how that will naturally add up perfectly. Your body knows what it needs and what it doesn't. It will tell you! It makes me sad to watch people count every calorie and burden themselves with guilt when it doesn't match up.

11. Search high and low to find healthy foods and recipes you like. It is no use eating something you hate. I cannot stand raw peppers. They are soooo good for you, but I cannot eat them. I like them cooked, and will eat them that way. But there are so many other things I do like. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't.

12. Cut out the small stuff. Think about what you drink. Can you replace sodas with juice, tea (preferably green and unsweet or sweetened by honey), or water? Can you change your latte to coffee, or make it nonfat? Drinks can add so much unnoticed excess.

Last, remember this is a process. Don't expect to change overnight. Focus tomorrow on one thing you can actively choose to eat that is healthy. For me, it almost becomes a game and I find myself eating one or two healthy things each meal. Let me know what you think, or other advice you have about eating healthy.

Look forward to my next post about packing healthy lunches.

Recent Readings

2010-10-11T16:39:00.002-04:00

I find that short stories are perhaps the most entertaining pieces of literature in existence. They are not completely encoded, like the poem, and not too lengthy to get that satisfaction, like the novel. The short story provides for the reader the satisfaction of climactic entertainment in one sitting, and also, that mysterious what happens next factor with its short, abrupt ending.

Fitzgerald I would say is a master of the short story, if not THE master. But almost so good, that you take his stories for granted. They become far too easily the norm. Anything from the sad "Babylon Revisited" to the hilarious "Bernice Bobs Her Hair" and the complicated "The Diamond as Big as the Ritz" and there is half an hour's worth of entertainment at your fingertips, literally.

Introduce Katherine Anne Porter. I have now read four of her short stories, painfully, and now I think I have finally come to an understanding and appreciation for her, and perhaps how she may have exceeded Fitzgerald. She has this wonderful ability to capture the human experience. By that I mean, not just a grand, exciting event that turns into a story, but the human being in everyday life. Whether it seems to be an autobiographical woman or young girl, a young boy, or a mentally handicapped child. She has this unique insight into the person-hood that seems to unite all of mankind together.

Perhaps, in your spare time, you should pick up one of her stories.

Confession.

2010-03-16T19:42:00.001-04:00

To preface this post, I must confess I have recently developed a ~~secret~~ passion for (good) Christian rap music. I dare say, for modern Christian music, artists such as Lecrae and Trip Lee have some of the most solid lyrics in the industry. But that is just a biased side note. :) Anyway, I was introduced to this song today and found it to be extremely characteristic of my own life, and thus a great comfort.

"Cryin Out" (Trip Lee)

I still remember when I first started living this thing
And you gave me the grace to make the right decision to change
My whole lifestyle was flipped most thought the kid was insane
Even those close to me my homies wasn't feeling it mayne
But still I wanted some more, I wanted to know this infinite King
You restored my heart and your glory started to stick in my brain
I couldn't get enough of your scripture I was simply amazed
By Acts, Galatians, Revelation, 1 Corinthians, James
I couldn't fathom something would happen to make me stray away
I couldn't imagine leaving my Dad that took me from my playa ways
Who rescued me from the storm, all those gray and rainy days
The one with that amazing grace, the same one who gave me faith
But recently it seems to me that passion is fading
It's almost like I forgot my Holy Dad was amazing
And without noticing your Word, I started reading it less
Yeah I'm alive, but it feels like I'm just breathing to death
I'm Cryin' Out!

I'm crying out 'cause I'm weak and unworthy
Lord Jesus it hurts me, I'm in need of your mercy
Would you please come and restore me
To the servant I used to be
When I was just seeking your glory and was content with you and me
I'm cryin out

After you snatched you up I saw that life without you wasn't life
You couldn't pay me a million bucks to go back to shunning Christ
I'd tell my boys the joy of living abundant life
Read ya sword seek the Lord I'd tell em to run to Christ
But my desires much less, it's clear that I am such a mess
My life crumbles now I stumble and I am deserving death
At first it was just not reading but now it's leading to sin
And it's been so long I wonder if I'll see you again
And the sin makes it even harder for your grace change my heart up
Each breath I take is hard the separations getting farther
I'm scared to pray unto my father 'cause I feel unworthy
To seek His face I didn't bother, yeah it makes me wanna holler
Cause everything I've known seems to be fading away
This thing is crazy I pray that you'd erase it today
And I know can't just sit idle and wait for you to do it
But I don't know what do I'm crying as I'm going through it
I'm Cryin Out!

I'm crying out 'cause I'm weak and unworthy
Lord Jesus it hurts me, I'm in need of your mercy
Would you please come and restore me
To the servant I used to be
When I was just seeking your glory and was content with you and me
I'm cryin out

Now it's getting even worse cause my sin doesn't even hurt me as much
Why would I leave my first love I used to thirst for your touch
For your direction of my life I loved your glorious throne
I'd put myself in the back seat and seek your glory alone
But now because I love it less I'm becoming morally wrong
I may look the same to all the others but Lord you notice I'm gone
You know I long to come back I miss that peace I used to feel
When I'd reap pray unceasingly and read what you've revealed
But I'm not plus I got a minor depression that I'm hating
To learn a lesson now I'm waiting I'm starting to question my salvation
I'm nothing, I'm dirt I need something to work
So I'll try the only thing that does I gotta jump in ya Word
And maybe if I read I'll be able to recapture
The things that made fall in love with Jesus, King and Master
I know it'll be a struggle but I gotta fight hard
To delight in the Christ who saved me like lifeguards
I'm Cryin Out!

My heart in boxes.

2010-03-15T23:47:00.001-04:00

"Labor to have but one object and one aim, and for this purpose give God the keeping of thine heart." - Charles H. Spurgeon

Who is the keeper of my heart? These questions I ask in the few remote moments I can find alone. Who is the keeper of my heart? I bet my room could tell you...

I can hear the hum of my computer. A half-made bed, emptied change jar, a cup of hot tea, verses scribbled on index cards, and to-do lists left unchecked on post-its. There are books pouring around me. Books I have half-read, intend to read, loathe to read, love to read. Some for study, some for pleasure. Only the good ones cross into both worlds. Unread mail buried under a pile of cd cases. Race applications for me and my running buddy. A burned out candle, receipts evidencing the things I did the past week. If all these things could talk, what would they say I was living my life for?

This week someone asked me to draw a few boxes and write what was most defining of my life into these boxes. So I did. I filled four main boxes, and then added some cute little circles (or sub-boxes I like to think) of elements that fit into the main categories. Looking at those boxes and circles that showed what consumed my time and energy and thoughts... I was asked, "How much of what you wrote into those boxes is focused on the 'me' - or what 'I' want out of life? And how much is focused on the 'Kingdom'?"

~~Ouch.~~

Who is the keeper of my heart?

Who is the keeper of your heart?

And as his heart is, such his life will be.

2010-03-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

"He who lives without prayer - he who lives with little prayer - he who seldom reads the Word - he who seldom looks up to heaven for a fresh influence from on high - he will be the man whose heart will become dry and barren; but he who calls in secret on his God - who spends much time in holy retirement - who delights to meditate on the words of the Most High - whose soul is given up to Christ - such a man must have an overflowing heart; and as his heart is, such his life will be." - Charles H. Spurgeon

Morning Healings

2009-12-28T10:56:00.000-05:00

"Thy mercies have brought me to the dawn of another day, vain will be its gifts unless I grow in grace." - Valley of Vision, Morning

Was only yesterday my heart of clay was hardened as a rock, only the Almighty Potter could soften me so.

Some Brief Thoughts on Psalm 73

2009-08-18T11:11:00.001-04:00

When we find ourselves beginning to envy the world (in any form of the matter: materialism, work ethic, “American dream,” ideologies, etc.) We should act as the psalmist does:

1. Go to the Sanctuary of God (Psalm 73:16-17)

It is here that we can rid ourselves of the world’s point of view and embrace God’s view. The man here soon loses the world’s perspective of momentary success and his momentary affliction and sees the bigger picture of men trapped in their wicked ways condemned and destroyed. He sees his own momentary affliction as testing of his faith to produce hope (Romans 5:3-5).

2. Recognize and acknowledge sin.

When he begins to see the world through God’s view, he then sees his own sin of bitterness, senselessness, and ignorance (Psalm 73:21-22).

3. Humbly worship (Psalm 73:23-26).

Once he sees the world for what it is, what he was saved from, how he has been forgiven from his sin, and who he is in standing with God, this man who was once envious and enthralled with the world cannot help but humbly worship his Lord.

To Read, or Not to Read?

2009-06-07T21:27:00.003-04:00

In light of recent discussions and conviction in my own life, I have become burdened to comment on a sensitive and necessary subject: the reading of books for spiritual growth outside of Scripture. The view held within this article is that only Scripture, through the Holy Spirit, has the authority and power to change a person’s heart, and that authority and power is only attributed to Scripture because it is the Word of a holy, righteous, and perfect God, therefore the Word itself is perfect. The implication of this concept is that anything written by fallen, sinful man contains a strong likelihood to be imperfect or flawed, since man is flawed and no human is capable of reaching perfect doctrine and theology on this earth due to the vastness of the God we serve and His infinite qualities that our finite minds cannot grasp. It is with these premises that I delve into the literary world of Christian theology and doctrine and any sort of teaching outside of Scripture.

I begin by commending the pursuit of authors that hold to the same truths that you and I have individually come to understand. There is a great deal of importance in knowing who you are reading and what they believe, as Scripture urges us to be aware of those who teach “strange doctrines” (1 Tim. 1:3, NASB) and that these can lead to “fruitless discussion” (1 Tim. 1:6). How sweet it is to be able to fellowship with one another discussing ideas and concepts presented by pastors and theologians who we can trust to lead us to Christ!

However, with much good also comes the necessity for a proper balance. If we place these books or people on the same level as Scripture (if not higher) we have crossed a deep and serious line of idolatry. Even as I examine my own bookshelf, I shudder at the thought of the favored, fallible authors that I take to be authoritative, and consequently place equal to the Word of God. Though it is great to have favorite authors who speak and minister to our needs, we also must not impose these authors on others, as they may not be fit for their need. Let us not become teachers who impose opinion as doctrine (Matt. 15:7-9)!

Here I find myself being convicted in numerous areas as I pick up yet another book by my personal favorite author, so I ask myself these questions:

1. Has this become my source of growth over Scripture? Do I read this more than Scripture?
2. Am I concerned that others know what I am reading, who I am reading, and the knowledge I have acquired?
3. In my inquiry of what and who my friends are reading, and the knowledge they have acquired, what am I concerned with? Where I line up in their booklist or what Christ is doing and changing in their life?
4. Do I measure my growth based on a particular subject I have intellectually conquered, or a particular book or author I have read? Or do I measure my growth based on becoming more like Christ: having a humble, servant’s heart that is willing to suffer and sacrifice for the Gospel?
5. When posed with a difficult question, where do I first look for an answer: Scripture or my favorite author?

These questions are trigger points that lead to a deeper understanding of who I am worshiping, be it an author or pastor or book, even myself, or God; and how my pride has filtered into each area of my life, primarily here in reading and studying.

We must caution ourselves from becoming too attached to a particular author and method of teaching rendering ourselves unwilling to hear and unable to minister. Unwilling to hear anything that is of a different style, structure, or “spiritual level” than we are accustomed to and deem appropriate, and unable to then minister to anyone who is of a different style, structure, or “spiritual level” than we deem to be ourselves. If I cannot sit through a sermon or read a book that deals with a simpler teaching of Christianity than I prefer to read or that I think I am above (been there done that concept) then there is something seriously wrong with my heart(2 Cor. 11:3). I have become unteachable, which is in direct opposition to my call to be a disciple (literally, “pupil or learner”) If this is the case, how then can we begin to minister to others? We will either bore them with talking about these supposed “high concepts” when they need something much different (as with our own sanctification, different aspects of the Gospel will always outweigh others during particular trials), or worse drive them away from Christ even more by overwhelming or intimidating them! We cannot allow our ministry to become about what someone does or does not know (as did the Pharisees), but rather we should mimic Paul and “become all things to all men” (I Cor. 9:22) and meet them in their spiritual walk, not our own. Let us caution against becoming a Truth knower, and strive to become a Truth bearer!

Finally, I would like to consider the idea of reading those who we do not fully agree with regarding particular issues. There are two lines to be crossed: what is permissible for the individual, and what is permissible for the whole. Concerning one’s own life, it is perfectly right to not read anyone who differs greatly in doctrine from you. At the same time, it is perfectly right (with sound doctrine established) to read someone who may differ if there is still solid truth at hand to be grasped. If you can discern between falsehood and truth, then do not feel you are being extremely dangerous. You should feel dangerous however when you cannot discern falsehood from truth (which is probably more often done with our favorite authors). It is easy to use our strongest filter when reading one who does not agree with us in certain areas, however can we justify not filtering our favorite authors through Scripture as well? Not if we believe that only Scripture is inerrant because it was written through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

As to the whole, I do not see it fit to teach from these authors (unless there is the premise stated of what is right and wrong, truth and falsehood) for the sake of the mixed group being taught. Do we allow the pre-Christian, the baby Christian, and the mature Christian the opportunity to delve into any particular author with no foreknowledge of their wrong belief? That could be a very dangerous thing! There should always be a heightened sense of caution and security when dealing with anyone other than oneself. And yet, we should never withhold truth due to a miniscule difference in doctrine, especially if it is of no relation to the truth being presented, lest we forget God’s sovereignty. But praise be to God, our Father, who will keep us from falling into any such wind of doctrine (Jude – all of it).

I do pray that each person discovers those authors that they love to read, are challenged by, and can trust so that they may grow to deeper understanding of the concepts that Scripture presents. I never will condemn a commentary, systematic theology textbook, or book that spurs a Christian of any level to greater belief and understanding of the Word of God. Praise the Lord that He has given some the gift of understanding and the ability to communicate through writing the teachings of Scripture (and in many different styles, for many different types of people). Yet I fear for myself and my friends that we do not become idolaters of these people and do not diminish the Word of God by placing the word of man as equal. Let us become lovers of God and His Word before we become lovers of men and doctrine.

Roller-Coasters are of the Devil.

2009-04-08T10:05:00.003-04:00

Many times have I wondered at why my relationship with Christ seemed so much like a roller-coaster ride. I was told this was normal by many youth pastors, my friends all felt the same, but there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it always had to be that way. Why when I have reached such a high point do I have to fall right back down to the bottom? This cannot be the way. Yet, evidenced in my own life I could find no reason not to believe it was the case.

Psalm 1:1-3

"How blessed is the man who does ot walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he mediates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers."

Then I asked myself, do I listen to the counsel of the wicked (magazines, unglodly friends, secular philosophy, self-help books, music, etc.), do I stand in the way of sinners (where do I go? clubs, bars, impure movies, concerts, parties, etc.), do I sit in the seat of scoffers (do I merely listen to what my friends say and think about others and justify it by not participating)? Do I honestly expect that my relationship with Christ will not be affected by what I fill my mind with, where I go, and who I am with?

In contrast, do I delight in the law of the Lord, so much so that I meditate on it day and night. Not just a devotion when I find the time, but truly meditate at a minimum of two separate times (day and night)?

Here I find the cause the roller-coaster spritiual walk. But it does not stop at that! (Psalm 1:3) I can be a tree FIRMLY planted (Isaiah 40:31). Firmly PLANTED (Isaiah 61:3). By streams of WATER (John 4:10). My fruit will yeild in its season and my leaf will not wither! This does not sound like a roller-coaster relationship with God, but rather a fruitful and ongoing growth that God has offered to me. So then, why such chaos? It is my own actions, and to blame that things are just going to be this way because that is all I have ever known is to outright deny the saving grace and and freedom that I have in Christ (Romans 6:1-7).

May in never be that we would settle for a roller-coaster ride when can have abundant life (John 10:10)!

God, our Father.

2009-03-09T22:58:00.003-04:00

Discipline. This word holds much negative connotation. The idea of disciplining oneself is seen as changing one's ways as to produce something better. Think: quitting smoking, getting in shape, studying, regulating your diet. Nothing that sounds all too exciting or enticing. But, too look at the biblical perspective of discipline, it is found that this is NOT a burdensome task, but rather an "encouragement."

Hebrews 12:4-11

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Notice that the author tells us that we "have forgotten that word of encouragement" and even more so, that it is because we are "sons." We must view God's discipline of His children not as punishment, but as encouragement; not because we are His slaves, but because we are His sons! And if that is not enough to bring us to our knees, it is for our good! And then our Father takes it a step further... "that we may share in His holiness!"

Though convicted I may be, I rest wholly in the promise that this will "produce a harvest of righteousness and peace" in my life. Praise God that He would choose to discipline me in order that I may be more like Him!

* An interesting side note that I came across (I do preface this is not from scripture and should not be held in too much high regard for that reason): According to the "Online Etymology Dictionary" the word discipline in its original language means "instruction given to a disciple" and comes from the word dis (which means "apart") and capere (which means "take"). Perhaps this discipline is just about God taking us apart for some work, just as a mechanic does for a car.

- Christina

Who is left to blame? Me.

2009-03-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

Morning Light

I wake up, first to find
That empty night still on my mind
And all I want to do is shut my eyes
Shut out memories, but I can't hide
So face to face, I embrace this day
Dreading what tomorrow holds
But I am strong, and I can take
Whatever remnants remain of old
And maybe this morning light
Can heal me from my broken night
Maybe I will be alright
Maybe not everything is ruined

A Transformation and Gift from God.

2009-02-17T14:42:00.003-05:00

The cross. Many Christians understand the concept of the cross, in fact it is necessary for their salvation. Without understanding that there is nothing we have done or can do to deserve the grace given us, we could not be saved for either 1) we would think we deserved it, or 2) we would think that we could earn it. Both are anti-grace and thus salvation, at least in the Christian theology, would be impossible. However, I have found that in my own life, and the lives of many close to me, that we have a very limited and incorrect view of the enormity and completeness of what Christ did on the cross, and what it really means. Perhaps we may know the biblical answer for this in our minds, but until we know it in our hearts we venture down a long and tiresome journey of emotional, guilt-ridden, circumstantial faith. This is the journey I took, and the journey that, by God's grace, I have been freed from.

Romans 3:21-26, 28
"But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— He did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus... For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law"

Acts 13:38-39
"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses."

It is easy for Christians to believe, if not unmistakably evident, that we cannot earn our own salvation. But so many people stop just there. They see their need of Jesus for salvation, and salvation alone, and miss one of the most important parts to living a godly, Christ-centered life and having abundant peace and joy. Justification. Grudem gives a definition of justification in two parts: "Justification is an instantaneous legal act of God in which he 1) thinks of our sins as forgiven and Christ's righteousness as belonging to us, and 2) declares us to be righteous in his sight" Many people, due to an unhealthy view of God, focus on a legalistic partial justification in which they must be righteous before God at all times. This is a huge and dangerous problem! It has devastated the Christian.

Some of the major effects of the stunted view include:

1 - A walk with God that is full of guilt and shame because we do not have the capacity to achieve perfection.
2 - A wrong desire that tells us we must fix ourselves in order to come to God.
3 - It leads to the sin of pride, even if we do not know it, in two ways: (1) We either think that we can and must earn our way through good works, less sin, and daily prayer and devotion to God, or (2) have such a low, belittled view of self (not humility) that we think we are, in a backward sense, above saving.

Any and all of these put us in a great danger, and only result in a stagnant walk with God. If we stay here too long, sin enters into our life and we are put into captivity on multiple levels. Something that for me took over five years to come out of.

We must not stop at the idea of Christ's work on the cross being a one-time act in which we can now be saved and must live a holy, and pleasing life to God. (This is all true, but if we stop here we do not get the full picture and cannot fully understand our own faith). We must realize that God, in his infinite wisdom, love and grace has emotionally, physically, spiritually, and legally changed our being into that of a pure reflection of Christ. We,at the same time as being called to be Holy, are viewed as Holy though sin still exists in our lives. This sounds easy to understand, and for head knowledge it is... but we must examine our lives to see if we live like this. For myself, much of my life was spent avoiding God, waiting till I forgave myself and fixed my own sin (temporarily) before I would pray, worship, devote myself to Him. This is not evidence of living in a justified manner. This is defeating and not what God intended for me. By His grace, it was made known to me the transformation of my innermost being and now I am free of this bondage, free of the pride, free of the guilt, and free of the sin struggles I held myself under by this wrongful view of the gospel. The freedom, peace and joy is a gift from God that I am now fully able to receive and I have done not one thing to produce this change. God alone has granted me His atoning, freeing grace and I am humbled by His goodness.

May God have the glory of His grace, and we the comfort of it.

What 400 meters really feels like.

2009-02-12T00:29:00.002-05:00

Here is another of my creative writing assignments on description. I wrote it based on my exact feelings before and during a race. So for those of you who have never raced, here is a taste of what it feels like. (which by the way it feels like a bunch of crap in the most exhilarating and freeing way possible.) I am taking this in to be edited tomorrow, so it is not final, but here is my first draft:

(Insert Title I have not yet come up with here).

One hundred meters of red-stained rubber distances her from the start line. The weightless steps, drawing her closer, counteract the heaviness keeping her from breathing too deeply. Hot, thick air hovers around her furrowed brow and tightened lips. She can already feel the burning from the fiery orb against her bare, freckled shoulders and the sting of sweat melding with runny mascara in the creases of her squinted eyes. Approaching the line, she feels the dry, bulge in her throat bob when she tries to swallow. Tensing, she clenches the pink, metallic baton in her clammy palm as her empty stomach delves deeper into the hollow pit of her knotted abdomen.
The tepid breeze lifts her gaze. To the right she sees a filled stadium and lined fences, but hears nothing other than the pounding of her heart. Turning her head, she sees the tensed, anxious muscles, giving away months of training, just like her own. Her gaze falls; fixated on the speckled line she attempts another deep breath. The relief just makes it to her throat when the beat of her heart is interrupted by a familiar voice.
“Ladies, take your marks.”
Stepping back, she feels a wave of nausea leaving her lightheaded and dazed. She plants her foot, leans forward, and strains to keep open eyes. The gun goes off. Feeling her heart skip a beat, she takes off. All feeling is lost; nothing remains but the ground left to be covered. As she rounds the first corner dread and fear begin to take control, but quickly she pushes them back. Now it’s the straightaway. All too quickly it passes by, and with the final curve she feels the burden of exhausted, wasted legs. She lines up side-by-side with seven other entranced bodies. One hundred meters of red-stained rubber distances her from the finish line.

- Christina

Peace and Joy.

2009-02-04T10:25:00.003-05:00

"Happiness is based on our circumstances; peace and joy are based on an unchanging God."

This is one of the most convicting statements in my life. When I see the blatant truth that "peace and joy are based on an unchanging God" all my defenses have to fall down. In my life, peace and joy have been the things I most crave... and the things I so easily sacrifice. It doesn't seem to make sense that I would do this, but let me go a bit deeper.

"I don't have peace/joy because God is distant from me right now." "I don't have peace and joy because God is withholding it from me because of my sin/lack of prayer/etc." "I don't have peace and joy because the situations/circumstances in my life are not going well... money, relationships, jobs, death, depression, anger, etc."

These are some statements I have made and have heard from others. Each one of these are completely false, contrary to the Gospel, and put ourselves in a higher position that we put our God.

Truth vs. Falsehood/Lies/Pride

1. God is not distant... ever.
- Three times in scripture God tells his child, whom He has called to do His will, that He will "never leave or forsake" them. (Deut. 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5). So, to claim this defense is to outright deny Scripture, and what God has promised us as His children.

2. God is withholding these from me because of my sin.
- This is a lie straight from the lips of Satan. God is an unchanging God (Ps. 102:25-27, Mal.3:6, Ps. 33:11). His attributes (unchangeability/immutability being one of them) are all 100% in effect, 100% of the time. He can never be more just than He is merciful, or choose in which attribute to act. This includes His promises to us. God can never withhold peace and joy from us without going against His own character, which He also cannot do.
- And if we are assuming we have a lack of these because of our sinful lives, then we have a misunderstanding of the cross. When our Savior gave up His life and took on our sin in order that we could be forgiven, this was a final act. This was not the beginning of a process. In one moment we were forgiven, and made righteous and Holy before the eyes of our God. So to say that sin is keeping us from experiencing the promises of God, who views us as righteous and holy by the blood of Jesus Christ, is to say that the work of the cross is not enough. To say this is to deny that our salvation is by grace alone, and to take on the mindset that our works contribute to it... which is nothing less than pride.

3. I have a lack of peace/joy because of the situations in my life.
- If we believe that a death, a failed relationship, a lost job, a pay cut, depression, etc. is keeping us from having joy and peace in our life... then we have a serious heart problem. The other two statements have to do with misunderstanding of God's gift to us and the issue of pride, but this potentially could be worse. To tell the Savior, who laid down His life so that we could have life, that our external circumstances that make us uncomfortable are hindering us from experiencing peace and joy is to tell Him that we do not love and/or trust Him. If we let our comfortableness get in the way of the relationship with our Savior, then we are trading the abundant life for the things of this world. If we let a tragedy keep us from experiencing peace and joy then WE are the ones who sacrifice them because we refuse to trust in God's will over our own. These are matters of the heart and must be confronted if we are to ever experience what we are offered.

When I hear the statement that "happiness is based on our circumstances; peace and joy are based on an unchanging God" and I know that I do not have them... I am immediately convicted because it is my own sin, pride, lack of faith/trust/love that has robbed me of peace and joy. God has been waiting to lavish these in my life, and I have chosen to sacrifice them for the world.

- Christina

Love Story

2009-02-02T09:43:00.003-05:00

Hosea 2:7-8
"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold."

Once again, I find that after searching and running and falling for "other lovers" I have come face to face with the fact that with my Savior "I was better off than now." But for too long I have not acknowledged or understood that He is the one that I want... that I need. That He gave me everything. How can I know that with Him things are so much better, but then still crave the sin and deceit of this world?

Hosea 2:9-10, 13
"Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness. So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands... I will punish her for the days she... went after her lovers, but me she forgot."

This past semester I have felt that God was so far from me. And I wondered... how could this be? I know the Truth, He is not far. Yet time and time again I would cry out to no answer. I would fill pages with empty words, soak pillows in despair, and cling to verses that I could find no meaning in. But somewhere deep inside I knew... it was me. I didn't stray for long... but when I came back, it was with attachments. Attachments to my "other lovers" that hindered me from experiencing abundant life, blessing, peace, joy, and so much more. I had forgotten my Love.

Hosea 2:14-16
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will giver her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master',"

How precious is the love that our Savior has lavished on us that He will take us outside of our own chaotic mess in order that He might "speak tenderly" to us... allure us and call us back to Him. What more could we ask for than to have a husband instead of a master?

Hosea 2:19-20
"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord."

That is who I want to be.

*Following are song lyrics by Jason Morant that he wrote after reading Hosea, and are what inspired me to read Hosea years ago.

Lovely

Lovely, oh how I've missed you
Time has slowed way down
And removed what has felt like a part of my soul
I've waited and waited for my love
To melt through the ice that
Keeps you from dancing, keeps you alone

Follow me to the temple
Where we first met
It was love at first touch
But since then
Your affairs have you
Down on your face again, down on your face again

Lovely, your heart can be trusted
But the toll road you've taken
Has cost you much more than you realize
So hold fast to all you've been given
And cling to the lifeline
You've had within reach all of this time

Follow me to the temple
Where we first met
It was love at first touch
But since then
Your affairs have you
Down on your face again, down on your face again

Try and remember the things I've said to You
Follow me to the temple
Where we first met
It was love at first touch
Follow me into the daylight
And it will be like it was, like it was
I have done and will do anything
To have you again my love
To have you again my love
To have you again my love
To have you again

- Christina

Just for fun.

2009-01-30T09:33:00.009-05:00

This is a piece I wrote for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write a description of a person, meaning we cannot use the verb "to be" or any expository words or phrases. I particularly like my use of alliteration, but I guess that is subjective. Enjoy.

Dancer’s Pose

Black thread encapsulates her flawless figure, bending backward, pushed by an imaginary breeze. One pallid, palm grips a wooden bar, while her opposite arm stretches through the damp air. Her face, tossed back into the light, reflects only one darkened eye and tight, pursed lips, exposing her intense concentration. Ebony hair, tightened into a rigid bun, yields no comfort, yet maintains the streamline stature. Her breasts, followed down to her navel, form a crescent moon, leading then to creamy, thick thighs peeking out between opaque tights and a stretched leotard. One leg bends forward, bow-shaped and poised to release a poisoned arrow. The other limb extends outward, compelling the chalky floor to mirror pink, pointed toes, elongating her elegant and sultry body.

- Christina

Though it needs to be said...

2009-01-28T23:32:00.002-05:00

...you cannot know; no one can know. So metaphor will have its place.

Desert path. Wild, lonely, and a tad bit crazed. That is how she came to you. That is where you found her. Tightly wrapped up in her own mystery, following what she thought was the right road... it all came crashing down. Down to an ache in the bottom of her stomach. Forgetting what it was like to fall flat on her face. Yes, you caused this. You brought this upon her. It was you who caused her sleepless nights. You who gave her a taste, and now she craves. To some it seems like punishment, but to her it is freedom. Freedom without being free. Freedom within an arms length. Freedom that she cannot have. Freedom that she craves. You showed her how to feel again. And she cannot help but feel. Her path has split; down one she sees security and everything she has ever longed for... and down the other she sees adventure and everything she has never known, you. And, to her, it is all your fault. She cannot help but feel.

Here Again.

2009-01-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

This is a letter I wrote for an older blog of mine for a creative writing class May 8th, 2008. I always find it interesting how I can look back and see who I was, how I have changed... and what is still the same.

To my sweet child,

I love you. I don't understand why you run from me. Do I hurt you? Do I scare you? What have I done? All I want is you. Please, listen to what I have told you. When you are far gone from my arms, please remember what I have said, and who you are, my love. I make a place for you, next to me; you can share my warmth, my love, my comfort. But you choose those who give you a cold floor, hate, and harship? They are your other lovers. Yes, I am jealous. I don't like to share you. And if our relationship will ever be to its fullest, you will only love me. But, I want you to know that no matter how many other lovers you pass through, I will always take you back. There is nothing you can do to rid yourself of my love. And when you come back, I will have so much to tell you. I have been wanting to talk to you so badly. I miss our moments alone. I miss holding you. I miss feeling your breath against my chest when you rest in my arms. It hurts to see you down on your face before me when all I want to do is pick you up and hold you, but you have to let me. Please let me. I know you have messed up and some of the things you have done will cost you much more than you may realize. But I can fix it. I can give you much more than you had before. I promise. It will be better than you could imagine. We can be together again. I will do anything. I have already given everything to have you, but I will do it again if it means one more moment with you in my arms. I love you.

Love,

Your Savior

Peace with Myself.

2009-01-20T00:33:00.003-05:00

Two "to-do-lists," a pang of guilt, and a mission. Today is the first day (in a long time) that i did not have work or class. Thanks to Martin Luther King Junior of course! My friend and I pretended it was the new year all over again. A chance to start over on our New Year's Resolutions (that of course, we have not kept). But this was no drastic or spectacular day. It was a day of studying, errands and chores. A day I want to pass, and somehow a day I want to hold onto and remain in forever. Today I remembered, it's my life. My life does not belong to my work or pleasing my boss, it does not belong to my professors or my exams, and it definitely does not belong to guilt (or Satan, if you will). It is my life. Though embarrassing mistakes I will make, hours I will waste, accomplishments I will achieve (even if it is just crossing one more thing off my list)... I cannot lose me to the world. I don't need to explain (though venting in the form of blog does help - or so we believe), I don't need to continually rewrite the past over and over in my head, I don't need to succumb to guilt, and I certainly don't need lose any more sleep over insignificant things! All I need is to remember who I am and who I was created to be; that is enough.

The American Dream or Easy Routine?

2008-12-17T22:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel that I get so caught up in the "program" of the world that I forget I have a say in my life. The ritual of America can be so consuming and it's hard to break from that mold. Tonight as I listened to a missionary from South Africa speak, I thought to myself what that life would be life... free from the bondage of routine, free from the expectations. Of course I realize that each and every culture has some form of their own system that their world functions in. But really, I have total control over my life. Yet, often I find myself making excuses for following the pattern the world has laid out for me. As if I wanted it? When really, each day I have the ability to wake up and live exactly how I want to! Of course I will have days that I have to go to class, or have to go to work.. but why in my own precious moments of time do I feel it necessary to live as everyone else does. I guess I am craving spontaneity. I want to go watch the sunset on the beach, alone. I want to run through a park and enjoy the scenery and smells and fresh air. Sometimes at the end of a day I wonder... what was there today that I wanted. Every day I have a choice. I want to enjoy tomorrow.

Journey.

2008-12-11T08:05:00.005-05:00

There's a dry and empty land,
A place where no one wants to be;
And I hold out my hand,
At this point I'll take anything...

But with no raincloud in sight,
Do You really expect me to stay?

I turn and I run,
It's easier that way.
With the blaze of the sun,
I cringe to know I left Your way.
But it feels so hard,
To stay and wait for what seems a dream.
So I leave this barren dust,
Only to find an Oasis in my dreams,
Haunting me...

I see a city not too far,
I think I'll make it.
When I arrive I know for sure,
This place isn't taking...

I'm out alone, they call to me...
But I cannot remember,
Who I am, who I'll be
So I surrender.
I'll take one drink,
Say my farewell.
I'm off to desert lands...
I'm needing desert lands.

Though I can see no raincloud in sight,
I guess You expect me to stay.

I woke up this morning. It was pouring rain. Still pouring rain. In the darkness I called to You.

Drink Me

2008-12-04T21:29:00.003-05:00

Drink it down, drink it down
Black taste burning in my mouth
One more sip, all I need
Swallow sanity, come follow me
Down this twisted, dark and thorny path
I'll make it last, long as you'd like
Crimson rose is trampled on the ground
Thorn stuck between my gut and what is right...
In front of me, oh I can see
Temptation swirls down this scalding sea
Drink me please
I'll singe your last excuse to avoid me
With my steam, fill your eyes
With smoke so you cannot see
Drink me, drink me, please me
I'll follow you, just lead me far from here
Where time is bottled up inside my fear
And I am clear, so drink me drink me down
I'll be good, just like you knew I would
Drink me, drink me down
Almost gone, here we go
One more sip and I'll be gone
Here we go, I'll follow you
You follow me...
And I am gone.

Would you like another tea?
Drink me, drink me...

Still.

2008-10-20T20:50:00.003-04:00

It's a dark one tonight,
The moon shining down on my eyes.
I grip my wheel a little harder,
Press the pedal a little farther.
These lyrics drift through my mind,
Make me feel I can pass this time.
But still I feel so empty.
Still these years linger before me.
Still.
I wake in hopes of sight of you;
I rest in hopes of dreams.
Neither come true.
But still I wait these shallow days,
Still I will see them through.
In hopes of dreams come true.
Yet these lonely nights are breaking through.
Still in need of you.
Still.

Spirit and Truth?

2008-10-03T14:31:00.002-04:00

Lately I am finding that it is very easy to get tied up between the theology of Christianity and who Jesus Christ is, and really having a relationship with Him. In one of my classes, we are reading a philosophy book by Descartes in which he proves the existence of God through logistics and reasoning rather than the Bible (it should be noted that due to the time period the God he was referring to was of Catholic doctrine). His goal was to prove God's existence without the use of the Bible, so that unbelievers, mainly Atheists, would be without excuse as to not believing in the validity of the Bible. It is very interesting, but I am finding myself tempted to believe that because I know truth and doctrine, I myself, as Christian am doing "OK" in life. But at the same time, I also know this is a very dry and stale relationship to have with my Creator. I am missing the passion and emotion of simply living by faith and hope, rather than always knowing the right answer. So, I sit here in search of balance of knowledge and passion, reason and hope, and logistics and love.

- Christina

Watching a Shadow.

2008-09-27T13:00:00.002-04:00

I was struck yesterday with the thought of how interesting the twists and turns of life can be. How, at one moment in your life you are defined in one way, and then at another the tide turns and you are defined differently. Not that the original has become any less important, well maybe it has, but it just no longer consumes you. That as you grow and move into different aspects of life, your values, concerns, and goals change along side you. It is not that you change at your core, but some part of you really seems to change as well.

The past four years of my life have been consumed in my performance as a runner. I have always been highly competitive, but especially with my running due to the individualistic nature of the sport and to the fact that it was more of a mental, internal battle than anything physical (although non-runners may have a hard time actualizing this concept). Yesterday, as i spent eight hours helping my coach prepare for the home cross-country meet, I greatly pondered where I was at now. As I watched the teams arrive, downing their last few bottles of water, clothed in their schools colors and emblems, I realized something of significance: I was no longer one of them. Even though I craved to be there right beside them on the start line, I knew there was a piece of me that was lost to memory. It was a sad but insightful realization, an actualization of self. Though running is still a part of who I am, I am no longer the competitive runner who lives to shave even a mere second off my time. I am someone new. I am someone still developing passions, and my nature is changing. It is hard accepting this change, but it is evident and inevitable. For now I sit and wonder at the past, present, and mostly... what is to come.

- Christina

Chaos is in My Hands.

2008-09-17T21:35:00.002-04:00

The alarm goes off, way to early. Well, not actually... but I like to think so. But then again, we live in reality so I roll over and begrudgingly fall (and I do mean that in a literal sense) out of bed. As I stumble to the bathroom, fighting to get my running shirt over my head, I question - for about the millionth time - why I do this. And even though I can come up with no decent answer to that question, when I hear the knock on my door, I leave behind the warm bed to embark into the (still dark) morning sky with another one who apparently is just as crazy.

This ritual ends and my chaotic life begins. Frantically attempting to throw together breakfast and a shower, wondering how I am going to study and drive at the same time for my math quiz, etc. You know the routine. But it's not always this way. So why then is it this way ever?

"In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever." Psalm 41:12 (NIV)

Often, in times of chaos in my life, I can clearly see where I went wrong. When things begin to leave my control, when circumstances seem completely unmanageable, when I don't know how to make even to the next morning... it is then I realize. It is in our integrity that we are upheld. When I sacrifice my integrity, no wonder the Lord feels distant and my life feels as if it is falling to shambles. However, this same very thing can work in our favor more than we could possibly imagine. For it is in our integrity that we are upheld and we are forever in the Lord's presence. What a wonderful thought when facing an unconquerable day! Praise the One who got me to my bed tonight, and who will wake me in the morning!

- Christina

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Problems.

2008-09-02T22:30:00.002-04:00

Imagine. Four day weekend. What could possibly go wrong? How about everything. You wake up and your cat cannot walk. A visit to the vet, a rather large bill, and arriving an hour late to work of course will follow. The next day, wondering how much commission you are going to have to make to pay that bill off... and as you get into your car with ten minutes till you have to be at work, you realize the battery is dead. It's like that commercial for car insurance... "Yeah, I'm there!" Looking at two weeks of too many bills and not enough pay checks, thinking how is this possible!?!?! "Yeah, I'm there!"

Imagine. First day of the new week. You've taken in all the stress. You've figured out how to just slide by, as always. Driving down the street you pass the small church you never see anyone at. But still, each week there is a new message on the billboard. "Count your blessings, not your problems." Smack. Yep! Right in the face. It's like they have been watching you. Watching you fall. Watching as you crawl into bed each night not wanting to know what the next day will bring. Watching you avoid the One who will provide every bit of your needs, and probably more.

"Yeah, I'm there!" But slowly, and I mean slowly, I am learning my lesson. Piece by piece, hardship by hardship, and sleepless night by sleepless night I have absorbed each detail and why it happened (and saw my lack of preparation). Learning a lesson is not fun. In no way, shape, or form. But what can I say, God will always have His way in my life. So I'm done counting my problems. They in no way amount to my blessings. My glass is not empty, not even half full, but "my cup overflows" as it says in Psalm 23. "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

- Christina

Creator, creation, and a sense of wonder.

2008-08-28T20:15:00.002-04:00

It is interesting to see, as I begin my first classes at a secular university, the connections between God, the Bible, and philosophy (of all sorts). As I sit in my philosophy class, listening to the lecture on the founders of basic human knowledge (ideas of the cosmos and human beings), it is quite humorous to me that I know the answer to what these great men did not. Now, given had I been in their situation I do not think I would have had the brains, let alone the patience, with what little resource there was to come up with even the general questions they ask. However, to hear the others questioning their conclusions, based on what makes sense logically, but also having no answer of their own (while I sit with the key of life in my hands) it is somewhat satisfying, yet disheartening at the same time. It is one thing to know the answer, and yet another for those to accept it. So I sit in wonder at why I am (possibly) the only one in the room who actually has an answer beyond a theory and what makes me believe that it is right.

There is only so much of the human capacity to understand things that are not meant to be made known. I know that logically speaking, I am created and therefore there must be an eternal Creator. However, I cannot wrap my mind around the actual meaning of eternity, the downside of living in a linear world (not to be confused with the earth being round). But I hold to the truths that only I have experienced, that of change. Change was deemed impossible by many a scholar smarter than I ever have the capacity to become. However, He did the impossible, He changed me.

Me? An Idolater?

2008-08-19T07:14:00.000-04:00

"He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself, or say, 'Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?'" - Isaiah 44:20 (NIV)

There is a deep sense of yearning for satisfaction set within the life of each individual. This longing for fulfillment, of course, leads to freedom, just as water quenches the thirst. It is quite obvious humanity would be classified as a seeker. We seek fulfillment and satisfaction as if our lives were dependent upon it. However, how many people, if asked, would say they have ever been completely satisfied, or even close? It is logical to assume that if we were created with a need for satisfaction, then our Creator would know what was designed to fulfill that satisfaction.

"To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'

They answered him, 'We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?'

Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.'" - John 8:31-36 (NIV)

So often this verse is applied to the idea of honesty, which is very true indeed. However if you look closely at Jesus' teachings in the New Testament, He often uses words to describe Himself, and yet so often this greater picture is missed. Look carefully. "The truth will set you free." Later in John 14, Jesus refers to himself as the "truth." So, are you looking for freedom and satisfaction, well let the Truth set you free!

But now that we know what will fill our innate need for fulfillment, lets look back at Isaiah and see what went so wrong. First, I must clarify some things. "Salvation through Christ" and the "abundant life" that He offers are not the same thing and will not come at the same time. Salvation is a gift that God offers us through His Son, Jesus Christ. The abundant life we are capable to receive is also a gift, but one that comes with daily surrender to Christ and allowing Him to be on the throne of our lives.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." - John 10:10 (NASB )

So, again logically speaking, let's review: 1. Our Creator gave us a need for satisfaction that only He can fulfill. 2. He sent His Son, Jesus, to give us life, and to all us to have life abundantly in order to fulfill this need that He created. 3. In order for us to have life we must trust in Jesus, and in order of us to have life abundantly we must make Him the Ruler of our lives. So how then did we end up feeding on ashes and being mislead by our deluded heart? (see Is. 44:20) Earlier in chapter 44, Isaiah is talking about Idols. When we think of Idolatry, our minds automatically shift to a visual symbol of some carved out animal or man that we pray to and worship. But really, anything that takes the place of God's rightful throne in our lives is an idol, and we become Idolaters. So for the sake of applying Isaiah 44 to our lives, you can picture the idols being crafted in this chapter as money, relationships, work, materialism, etc. (whatever is an idol in your life)

Isaiah describes two scenarios in the life of those who craft their own idols. First, the man who focuses so hard on building up his idol that he completely loses himself.
"He gets hungry and loses his strength; he drinks no water and grows faint." (12)
This type of idol (typically a relationship with another person) can be the hardest to remove because of the toll it takes on our own lives. We build up this person as a "god" and give and give, while all they do is take. Why on earth would anyone want to worship a "god" like that? This "god" certainly will never satisfy and will only bring us to the end of ourselves where we can do no more.

The other scenario is of a man who (in rather harsh terms) is just plain stupid. It is almost funny the way Isaiah puts it:
"No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, 'Half of it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and ate. Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?'" (19)
The idol Isaiah is speaking of here is one that is man-made (such as money or materialism). How silly is it of us to believe that one more paycheck, or a nicer car, or one more pair of shoes and then we will be happy, then we will have it all. This idol is slightly easier to remove once we see our own stupidity. For us to think that something we can make with our own hands and will be used up or destroyed will satisfy is just a matter of accepting reality. We must learn to understand that "this thing in my right hand" is a lie." (20)

"Can you see the strong tie between our quest for satisfaction and the worship of idols? The void God created in our lives for Himself will demand attention. We look desperately for something to satisfy us and fill the empty places. Our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it." - Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Now that we see the cause of our satisfaction, as well as the cause of our dissatisfaction, we question the second part of verse 20, "he cannot save himself." So are we lost to a miserable life of pursuing that which will never fulfill us? No, we learned earlier that God promises us that we are capable of having "life abundantly." But with all these idols how can we move forward? If you read further into Isaiah 44, he says:
"Remember these things, O Jacob, for you are my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins are like the morning mist. RETURN TO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED YOU." (21-22)

Is it not refreshing to know that God not only paved away for us to have life, and have it abundantly, but also allowed for us to return when we stray and wind up with idols blocking that path. And if not even more refreshing, God says that through this we will display His glory!
"for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel." (23)

While My Back Was Turned

2008-08-14T08:54:00.000-04:00

Psalm 28:7
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

This verse was lived out physically and emotionally in my life yesterday, and I didn't even know it until 8:30 this morning. Some days just seem to never end. But somehow, everything fell into perfect place and harmony despite my negative thinking and bad attitude. The Lord was by far my strength (hence I am alive to write this now!) and, in all ways, my shield. See, the beauty of God's love for us, is that we don't always have to see it or know that it is there for it to be at work in our lives. If you asked me last night how my day had gone, I would have told you that death sounded a tad more pleasant. Yet, lo and behold, Someone was at work protecting me and providing for me behind my back (not that I'm complaining). God showed me something new about Himself yesterday. He showed me that despite what I am saying and despite how I am feeling, He can see through that straight to my heart. And yesterday, when God looked inside, He saw that "my heart trusts in him" and therefore "I (was) helped." It is refreshing to know that one bad day won't undo days, weeks, and months of seeking and pursuing the Lord. And it is even more refreshing to know that God can see the essence of my heart, even when I cannot.

- Christina